Happy New Year

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Every blogger seems compelled to write something about the New Year, but I really don’t see the big deal about New Year’s Eve.  I’ve always been like this, even when I was healthy and now that I’m sick, my opinion hasn’t changed.  New Year’s Eve is a made up holiday, so that we can go out and party and have fun and wake up exhausted the next day.  Except now, I wake up exhausted every day and I don’t have the excuse of staying out too late or drinking too much.  The best part of New Year’s  is that it’s a day where I know I won’t have to drag myself to a doctor’s appointment.

I have tried to come up with New Year’s resolutions but really, my body is not my own, so my resolutions mainly have to be what I can change mentally.  I would love to say I’ll go to the gym more  or walk an extra mile a day, but these are impossible resolutions, that would set me up as a complete failure on day 1.

So my resolutions are:

  • To  surround myself with less toxic people
  • To  meditate each day and to continue practicing an Attitude of Gratitude
  • To connect more with people in my life, even if it’s only with an email or quick text
  • To continue my positive attitude, even when my fatigue is overwhelming and my pain is unbearable

I wish you all a Happy, Peaceful and Pain free 2014!!

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Merry Christmas and Happy Always

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As I sit in pajamas on this Christmas Eve, I think about the past year and reflect upon the progress I’ve made and the mine fields I’ve avoided.  Christmas isn’t my holiday, but I have always enjoyed the festivities associated with it and the passage it marks into the next year.

We all start the New Year with a clean slate, we can make whatever we want of the New Year.  Our choices are somewhat limited when we are ill, but we do still have choices.  Maybe we have to be wiser about how we spend our energy and our money, but those decisions are ours to make.  Maybe we have to find more sympathetic doctors, or find alternative treatments, but thankfully we have some options.

I would like to focus on the improvements I notice in myself, however slight and probably invisible to anyone but me, but I am better off than I was a year ago.  I can walk a little farther,  I can stand a little longer and I can still laugh at the crazy and unpredictable things that happen to me on a day to day basis.

I wish everyone a Very, Very Happy Holiday and a Peaceful and Pain free New Year.

Reiki and More

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Something very unusual  happened to me about a week ago and it has unsettled me but not in a bad way.  I have been very introspective this week and have been trying to remember all the details of my reiki session because this was no average, run of the mill, afternoon.

The session started off as other sessions have, but when it ended, something unique and special had occurred.  Now I know there are going to be many people who don’t believe what happened to me, and probably a year ago, I’d be one of those people.  But I am a believer now.

Two years ago, my dad passed away and this  week was the anniversary of his passing.  We visited him at the cemetery and paid our respects to a very loving and gentle soul.  My dad has been on my mind a lot these past days and so, my thoughts shifted to him during the session.  I was repeating to myself all the things I missed about him and all the things that were great about him and then I asked him to make himself known and assure me that he was alright and that he knew I was taking care of my mom.  I specifically said, “I know Ms. N is not a medium, but she does have additional Intuit powers, so please use her to let me know you are watching over me.”  I said this over and over again.

I also was having problems catching my breath during the treatment and was getting a little concerned and was even thinking of stopping the session, but I didn’t.  The relaxing music was playing softly in the background and then a weird word or sound was coming out of the speaker and then a lot of static and the speaker blew.  I also had a very cold sensation run through my body, which lasted for quite a while, well beyond the end of the session.

My eyes were closed during this whole time, and Ms. N walked over to the speaker and disconnected it and came back and continued the treatment.  I was jarred slightly, but then tried to get back into my trance and repeated the thoughts of my dad.

When the treatment was finished, Ms. N let me lay quiet for a few minutes and then I sat up and looked at her and said, “What happened her today.”  She looked at me and said “BIZARRE”.  This treatment was very unusual.

I hadn’t put the events together that had transpired during the 90 minute session, but when Ms. N started speaking with me, it all became clear.  Ms. N told me she’s not a medium, but does have some additional abilities and that she saw a white light surround me and swirl into gray.  She said that has happened to her only a handful of times since she’s been a Reiki Healer and the white into gray symbolizes to her that someone from the other side is making contact.  Ms. N still had no idea what I had been asking for during the treatment.

She continued her story and then told me she asked that the spirit make himself known and at that precise moment, the strange word and static occurred.  The strange word turned out to be “Abba”, which means “Father”.  Ms. N told me my father made himself present in the room today and wanted to let me know he was doing fine and that these were just confirmations of my father finding a way to reveal himself in spirit to me and to bring me comfort and peace.

At this point I told Ms. N what I had been asking for and we both got goosebumps and I began to cry.   Ms. N said  “What a good man he is to allow you to know  all is well”.

Each person comes to a Reiki session with an intention in mind. For  some it is just to relax, for some it’s to heal and for others it’s a clarity of emotions.  My last treatment was definitely for an emotional release.  If something so powerful like this could happen with just my thoughts asking for it, then really anything is possible.  Next time, I will solely be concentrating on healing and wellness.  That should be a breeze compared to contacting a spirit from the other side.

The quote “Change the texture of your thoughts and your life will change” definitely takes on a stronger meaning for me now.  I wish you all GOOD THOUGHTS!!

Let it Snow

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While parts of the US are digging out from a snowstorm, we on the northeast coast were very lucky and only had a few inches.  Even though the snow was not as bad as predicted, once again it highlighted how vulnerable I am when things are out of my control.

I park my car on the street and any snow accumulation means cleaning the car and digging it out.  How am I supposed to do that, when it takes all the strength I have to sometimes even get to the car?  Earlier this week, I had to wipe my car down 3 times and then was forced into bed for 24 hours with body shaking fatigue.

On many days, I feel as if I can deal with the illness and the cards that have been dealt to me, but it’s much harder when your body is shaking from just 10 minutes of physical exercise.  How do you explain what happens to you to others, when you really don’t understand it yourself?

People shovel for hours and don’t feel as fatigued as I do from just brushing off my car.  What does happen to our body to cause such overwhelming fatigue and why can’t anybody figure it out?

Well today the sun is shining brightly, but the windchill makes it bitter, bitter cold outside.  I am having a self imposed rest day and  am enjoying have nothing what so ever to do, except of course read up on my fellow bloggers and there activities.

 

December 7th, a day marked by history

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Today is a sad day in the history of our nation as it is the anniversary of the devastating surprise air attack on Pearl Harbor by Japanese forces in 1941.  But it also marks a sad anniversary in my personal life.

Three years ago today, my employer, whom I had dutifully and tirelessly worked for since 1999 ,fired me.  They terminated my employment on the day my short term disability ended.  Funny how these days stay in our memory and it’s made easier when they fall on national holidays.  I went out on disability on Labor Day weekend and got fired on Pearl Harbor Day.

I had never been fired from a place of employment before and I remember when my HR director casually told me that this happens to everyone, at least once in their lifetime and I was due.  We had this discussion way before I got ill, so it wasn’t like she was predicted the end of my time at this company.  She just matter of factly stated this.

I know I wasn’t fired for poor performance or anything related to the quality of my work product.  I was fired because I was ill, which makes it worse because I had no chance of fixing anything.  My illness dictated what my body was capable of doing.  I couldn’t work harder or longer hours to change the situation.

My workplace had accommodated my disability for as long as they felt they could.  I was given an ultimatum of sorts, come in to work 5 days a week or be replaced.  For the months leading up to my termination, I was able to work at home most days and come in to the office 1 day a week.  The type of work I did could basically be done remotely and with phone conversations.  People would call me at home and we’d discuss what needed to be done and I would complete it at home.  My day in the office would be for necessary meetings.  This worked for a while, but then people started gossiping, as people do and I suspect the rumor was that I was milking the situation and was really able to come to work.

So on the 1 day I was in the office, my HR director called me in and basically said, “You either come to work 5 days a week or we will have to replace you.”  I said, “I guess you’ll have to replace me, as I can’t come to the office everyday. I barely make it in 1 day and then recover until the next time I have to come back here.”  She said, “Why don’t you take some time to think about it.”  I replied, “There’s nothing to think about, it’s not possible.”  And that was that.

A place where I had spent the majority of my 40’s had let me go because I was sick.  I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.  I had heard all the stories of people who were ill that lost their jobs, it’s just something you never think will happen to you, but it does happen to you.  And when it does happen, you deal with it, as I dealt with it.

You wake up the next day and nothing is different except you have a lot of free time on your hands and aren’t getting a nice pay check. But you are the same person.  Work shouldn’t define who  I was and shouldn’t change who I am.  I probably would have handled the situation differently, if I was my employer, but then that’s just me.

 

What would you do today, if you knew you’d have CFS tomorrow?

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As I sat around the Thanksgiving dinner table, I wondered how each and every one of the people sitting around me would cope if they suddenly woke up with CFS tomorrow.  I don’t think anyone of them would handle the situation as graciously and as humbly as I have.  I could be wrong, as some people rise to the occasion and I’m not wishing that any of my loved ones or dear friends, ever have to deal with what I am dealing with.  But I do often wonder if anybody can put themselves in my shoes and envision the realities of my life.

Then today, I get this email from The CFIDS Association and clicked on the link and watched a video, which asked the question:  What would you do if you woke up tomorrow and were well?

Everyone in the video answered with normal everyday things that people take for granted:  getting a job, going on a family vacation, finishing up college; spending a full day with grand kids.  I know at the top of my list would be to take a walk, a very, very long walk.

When I was healthy, I never sat and worried about getting sick or suffering with a long chronic condition.  I think if I woke up well tomorrow, I would always worry that CFS is like the devil sitting on my shoulder waiting to attack again. Could I ever really shake this experience and not be afraid that with the next step I take or movement I make, I’m going to be in pain and suffer with extreme fatigue.  Or maybe the reverse would be true and I would start living life to the fullest, taking advantage of every opportunity presented to me and not shying away from things.

At the very end of the video, it asked the reverse question,  What would you want to do today if you knew you’d have CFS tomorrow? The purpose of the video is to raise money for additional research and I hope that it makes people think about what their life would be like if they woke up and couldn’t move or think clearly.  If their life was undeniably different from when then went to sleep and different not in a good way.

I am just not sure that most people think that way, unless illness has touched their life.  I hope I am wrong and this video raises a lot of money so that the cause of this mysterious illness that desimates the lives of its sufferers can be found and I can wake up well tomorrow.

I guess how I handle a return to wellness is something that I can only dream about right now.  I will cross that bridge when I get there and I hope I do get there.