The Happiness of your Life


I have been listening and watching  self help, gratitude and positive affirmation videos and I really must admit what a positive and refreshing experience it is to hear uplifting thoughts about yourself and the universe.

The real trick is to keep replaying these thoughts in your head and start to belief them.  It’s hard when real life interferes with your perception of how you should be living, but based on what I’m learning if we change the texture of our thoughts, our life will change.

It is hard to change thought patterns when you are in your mid 50s (can’t believe I am in my 50s, but I am).  You have grown up believing certain things and have been doing things in a certain way for so long, that it is hard to change.  But if change means improving your life and being happier with your life, than that is worth trying.

I am going to follow these beliefs and see where my life takes me:

  • All is well in my world and I trust the Universe to take me where I need to go
  • What is right for me will come to me at the appropriate time
  • I am loving and I am loved
  • I am willing to grow and change and I am always open and receptive to new ideas
  • I know I can become more than what I am now, not Better but MORE

Life is as it is.  It’s all about our perception of our current situation and our level of gratitude.  I am grateful for so much in my life and will not dwell on what I can not change.

Gone Fishing

gone fishing


I’ve been on a self imposed vacation brought on by Mother Nature’s ways and have been inside for the past 7 days.  I wasn’t at home and was staying with a relative and decided to check out from my everyday routine and pretend I was away for the week.

I gave myself a mental holiday, even though physically I wasn’t able to do much.  I must admit it was great to be out of my home for a week and to change my routine ever so slightly.  I had company 24/7, had someone to eat meals with and someone to hear whatever thought popped into my head when it did.  I had forgotten how nice it was to live with someone and have someone in the home with you.

I have lived by myself since 2006 when I got divorced.  I kind of felt like I was living alone for some of my marriage too, so really I have lived alone for a long time.  I had told myself that it was best that I did live alone because who would put up with my crazy and stringent rules for myself.  Resting after cleaning, resting after showering, resting, resting throughout the day.  There are so many times during the day I just need absolute quiet and can’t think of interacting with anyone.  I couldn’t imagine being around someone for so much time.

This week showed me that if I had the “right” someone perhaps I would be able to live with someone again.  It’s different when you are already in a committed relationship and become ill.  Your life partner should be there “in sickness and in health” and while a chronic illness does put a huge strain on the relationship, a truly compassionate and understanding partner will stick by you.

It’s a whole other story, when you meet someone when you are already ill.  They really don’t owe you the love and support you get from a partner in an established relationship.  I think it takes a very, very special person to fall in love and move forward in a relationship with someone who has a chronic, life long, debilitating illness.

I’m not saying these people don’t exist, but considering the dating scene for a healthy active individual and how hard it is to find someone late in life that you are compatible with,  it’s nothing short of a miracle to find someone when you are dealing with an illness.

Stranded Again


Funny, wish that person was me and I was able to walk around and shovel.  Never thought I’d say that, but unfortunately I am once again stuck inside waiting out a terrible snow storm that is hitting our area.  These feelings of helplessness come across in waves and I always tell myself, next time I will think differently and I am trying to not obsess about all the things I can’t do.

I live on the East Coast in the United States and we are having a winter with record low temperatures and lots of snow.  I live by myself and my mom, who is recently widowed, lives about 2 blocks from me.  When I became ill, I was living in NYC and loved living there, but when you are ill and on disability, NYC is a very lonely and extremely expensive place to live.  People can’t visit because there is no where to park during the day, the traffic scares people away and being without a car, I either had to walk or take public transportation, which isn’t suitable for my current lifestyle.

So I decided to move to an outer borough and be close to my family.  For the first time in my life (as I had lived in NYC since 1993) I am dealing with shoveling snow, clearing off cars and maneuvering on snowy unplowed streets.  Once again, in anticipation of a big storm, with upwards of 14 inches of snow, I am staying with my mom.  This allows me to make sure she is alright during the storm, we have company for the duration and our car can be safely parked in a covered garage, which eliminates the need for me to shovel or clear the car.

So while many of the essentials have been taken care of, I still have thoughts of helplessness.  The “what if scenarios aren’t always that beneficial when you have an overactive mind.  I have been listening to Louis Hay’s audio about how to love yourself  and one of the things she states is that We Need to LOVE OURSELVES enough to stop SCARING OURSELVES.  She also emphasizes how we need to stop terrorizing ourselves with bad thoughts.

When I listen to her audio, it all sounds so easy.  Just stop your thoughts and wham your life will be different. Be kind to your mind.  Everything she says is so true and really easy to comprehend but not all that easy to implement.

It appears that I will be stuck in for a while and hopefully I will emerge a stronger person and listen to the words of Ms. Hay,s as she has a loyal following and really does speak simple but powerful truths.


These are the Days of Our Lives



How many times have I been asked by friends, family and doctors “How do you pass the days at home?  What do you do?”  Really what do I do but the time still passes.

I have been in since Wednesday and what have I accomplished and why don’t I feel rested and raring to go?

Each day consists of little activity, lots of rest and this is the cycle I find myself in.  I don’t watch television at all during the day and I do limit my internet time as it exhausts me too.  If I look back at what I accomplished in the past 2 days, it would have to be doing laundry and dusting.  How can I explain to a healthy person, that doing laundry is my activity for the day and add in a shower and I’m done. That’s it, no more spoons left.

It really is hard to explain to others, what I don’t understand, yet seem to accept. I have accepted where I am in life right now and there are days that frustrate me and torment me, but they pass and then I am alright again.  What I find harder to accept is when people say, “Don’t you get tired of going to the doctor” or “Don’t you get tired of resting?”  Lately my response has been what rational person wouldn’t, so why are you even asking me that ridiculous question.  If I have accepted my life and current situation why can’t some people around me accept it.

New Year, New Ways to Improve Health


Yesterday I went to one of my many doctors for my routine quarterly visit and also to review my recent blood work.  All these doctor visits basically turn out the same way.  I wait for the doctor for about an hour, I actually am with the doctor for under 15 minutes, the doctor barely touches me or gives me a physical examination, they ask me how I’m feeling and I say about the same, they offer no new treatment options, I pay my copay and leave the office feeling frustrated.

Before I became ill I would rarely visit the doctor unless I needed an antibiotic or a flu shot.  I believed the doctors were there to help people and make them well.  Hey, they always seemed to return me to wellness and I had known several people who had major operations and after recuperating, all returned to a state of good health.

Now that’s not my belief anymore.  I have gone to hematologists, endocrinologists, rheumatologists,  physiatrists (pain doctors), generalists, immunologists, allergists, neurologists and cardiologists and haven’t been helped by any of them.

So I ask you, what’s a girl to do??  Take maters into her own hands.    Today I started a new Ayurvedic health routine called “oil pulling” or “oil swishing”.

A few days back, a friend of mine sent me an article about how to improve our general immune health, which I believe is key to fighting this illness as I think it is viral.  So yesterday after feeling dejected when leaving the doctor’s office, I stopped at a health food store and picked up some Organic Sesame Oil.

Here are the steps involved:

Step 1: First thing in the morning on an empty stomach and before drinking any liquids (including water), pour exactly one tablespoon of sunflower, coconut or sesame oil into your mouth.

Step 2:  Swish the oil around in your mouth without swallowing it. Move it around and through your teeth, as if it was mouthwash  Keep swishing gently, not vigorously, in a relaxed way for about 20 minutes.  When the oil has become saturated with the toxins it has pulled out, it may become whitish and a thinner, milky consistency, depending on the type of oil used.

Step 3:  As the end of the oil pulling session approaches, spit the oil out, then rinse the mouth with warm salt water and then brush your teeth.

I tried it this morning and didn’t make the 20 minutes, but will continually keep at it.  Today, at least I felt good that I was trying something new and being proactive.  The only things that have helped me, even temporarily, have been accupuncture and reiki, so I’m beginning to really believe that mainstream medicine is not THE HOLY GRAIL.


The “EX” Factor


Since I  have a lot of time on my hands and can’t physically do much, most of my activity (when the brain fog isn’t present) is in my head.  I think about the past and about forks in the road where decisions could have been made differently and maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I was married and have been divorced since 2006.  I was on my own for 3 years prior to getting ill and really hadn’t thought about my ex husband much or missed him.  He was a nice enough guy, but lost interest in our marriage and became almost nonexistant.  He was retreating from life and knew he needed help but refused to seek it out.  He also had “mommy” issues, which is where he wound up living after we divorced and to this day is still living with him mother and recently I found out that he is also her full time caretaker as she had a massive stroke.

A while back, I was on the computer and someone was trying to IM me.  To my surprise, it was my ex husband.  The first words he typed were an apology to me, which kind of through me for a loop.  He did owe me an apology for how he was at the end of our marriage, but I had long ago written that off and really had made closure with him and my marriage.  We chatted briefly on IM and he told me about his mother and I really didn’t feel anything but sadness for him and the choices he made in his life.  His mother controlled him throughout our marriage but I didn’t think it would go as far as it did.

When I think of my current situation and wonder if it would have been better if I was sick and had a husband, of course the answer is yes. When I see healthy relationships, like the one my sister has, having a husband to help with the everyday issues and emotional support needed when dealing with a chronic condition is a blessing.  But if I think about having my ex husband in my life right now, it would have been anything but a blessing.  I would have had to take care of him and support him, even in my fragile disabled state.

He had a business when we were married, but most of the money he earned was sent to his mother.  By the end of our time together, he was unemployed and lied on the couch from morning to night.  I went to work early in the morning and returned most nights after 7pm and he’d still be lying on the couch in his pjs.

So when I think about this choice to end my marriage, even though it was hard to go through at the time, it was the right choice as we weren’t right together.  Being with someone and feeling alone, is so much more lonely, than actually being alone.