Since I have a lot of time on my hands and can’t physically do much, most of my activity (when the brain fog isn’t present) is in my head. I think about the past and about forks in the road where decisions could have been made differently and maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.
I was married and have been divorced since 2006. I was on my own for 3 years prior to getting ill and really hadn’t thought about my ex husband much or missed him. He was a nice enough guy, but lost interest in our marriage and became almost nonexistant. He was retreating from life and knew he needed help but refused to seek it out. He also had “mommy” issues, which is where he wound up living after we divorced and to this day is still living with him mother and recently I found out that he is also her full time caretaker as she had a massive stroke.
A while back, I was on the computer and someone was trying to IM me. To my surprise, it was my ex husband. The first words he typed were an apology to me, which kind of through me for a loop. He did owe me an apology for how he was at the end of our marriage, but I had long ago written that off and really had made closure with him and my marriage. We chatted briefly on IM and he told me about his mother and I really didn’t feel anything but sadness for him and the choices he made in his life. His mother controlled him throughout our marriage but I didn’t think it would go as far as it did.
When I think of my current situation and wonder if it would have been better if I was sick and had a husband, of course the answer is yes. When I see healthy relationships, like the one my sister has, having a husband to help with the everyday issues and emotional support needed when dealing with a chronic condition is a blessing. But if I think about having my ex husband in my life right now, it would have been anything but a blessing. I would have had to take care of him and support him, even in my fragile disabled state.
He had a business when we were married, but most of the money he earned was sent to his mother. By the end of our time together, he was unemployed and lied on the couch from morning to night. I went to work early in the morning and returned most nights after 7pm and he’d still be lying on the couch in his pjs.
So when I think about this choice to end my marriage, even though it was hard to go through at the time, it was the right choice as we weren’t right together. Being with someone and feeling alone, is so much more lonely, than actually being alone.