I’ve been ill for 5 years now and I really don’t know where the time has gone. What have I accomplished or learned in these 5 years, if anything I’ve gone backwards not forwards. Lately I’ve been struggling to figure out my purpose in life and why I became ill and what lessons am I learning from being ill. My Reiki practitioner said that I fear moving forward and that this fear is keeping me sick and stagnant and that I am blocked and must find my way out. She said that she envisions me in a field jumping through leaves being happy and carefree and able to walk and move about freely. She has told me repeatedly that I will not stay in this state forever.
So what is holding me back? How can I find my “new” purpose in life because whatever I thought my purpose was before I became ill, is outdated. I vaguely even remember my healthy life anymore. When I look at pictures, it’s like I’m looking at someone else’s life. Getting up at 7 am, commuting to work, putting in a 10 hour work day, socializing over dinners and weekend excursions. That isn’t your purpose in life, that is how you pass your life, so did my life ever have purpose? Do most people’s lives have real purpose?
If I think about the people in my life, there are a handful that definitely live a purposeful life. They try and help others, give back to the community, raise awareness and are just plain kind and loving to all humans and animals alike. But most of the other people I know are just getting through the daily grind and not even appreciating all the gifts they have in their life.
The definition of PURPOSE is “the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists”. What have I been put on this earth to accomplish? Is it to enlighten others as to how illness changes you? So many people that become ill, remake their lives and try and help others so what special twist on that can I add. I’m really not sure yet and maybe when I stumble upon what makes me special and unique, I will feel free and move forward.
I know I am a good person. I am kind, compassionate, empathetic, smart but where has that taken me. I love learning things, figuring things out and observing people. What am I missing about what my life is supposed to be…
I hope I realize my true mission in life very soon. Our life is what we do EVERY minute of EVERY day. I know it is each of our own responsibility to create the future we want, but does sitting around and wondering what it will be limit the possibilites? I must trust and live in the present and let go of my fears of the future. Fears of living alone, fears of becoming sicker, fears of not being able to support myself or take care of myself. These are all fears that I have and that I try to put to the side, but they are real concerns.
For right now, I will try and embrace my life and not worry about what the future will hold. Maybe the answer is right under my nose and if I start living in the present, it will make itself known to me.