People that make you Feel Alone

robinwilliams

This week there has been a lot of press about Robin Williams and his unfortunate suicide.  It is very hard to hear about anybody taking their own life, but when one of the funniest men in my lifetime ends his life, it’s almost unimaginable to think about the pain this man must have been in.

Last year, someone sent me the quote I posted above and I’ve kept it and thought about it often.  I thought Robin was so right in what he said.  It’s much easier to be alone, than to feel alone when surrounded by people.  It seems weird to think that when there are other people around, you can feel lonelier than when you are actually alone, but it’s true.  I know the feeling and I think it’s because when I’m alone, I’m at peace and there are times when I’m surrounded by people but I feel turmoil.

I pick up on other people’s energy more than most and that’s why I don’t like to be around certain individuals.  Normally I am very chatty and inquisitive.  I can talk to almost anyone and make them feel at ease, except when I am around people that exude a certain type of energy… whether it’s an arrogance or a belittlement or rudeness.

It is quite clear that all living things have a life force, a life energy, that can be used to do work and make things happen. It is this creative energy that is very real, but can’t be seen.  It is obvious that Robin Williams had an abundance of creative energy.  It animated him and gave him so much life that when I watched him on television at times, it almost seemed like he was a cartoon character.

Robin was full of life, but I guess he also was full of the demons that occupy so many people’s brains.  How come some people can balance the good and the bad (because we all have that in our life) and some can’t.  What makes some of us rebound on a daily basis and others just retreat.

Yesterday,  it was revealed that Robin was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s and that he couldn’t face this newest illness.  My dad had Parkinson’s for the last 10 years of his life and it did make his life much hardier and less enjoyable, but he faced his demons daily and lived with his limits without complaining.

I am saddened that this great comedian, who seemingly had it all: money, glamour, stature, a loving family couldn’t see there was hope for him and that he had no other choice.  It makes me see how strong I am, because I suffer everyday, with no cure for my illness, yet the thought of ending my life has never once crossed my mind.  I am not passing judgement on anyone, it just pains me to think that this man felt he had nooptions.

 

The Gift

thegift

Last week someone who I used to work with contacted me and asked how I was doing and if I was well enough to meet her for lunch in NYC. Unfortunately the answer was no and I explained that the fatigue and pain still prevent me from taking public transportation into the city. She understood and at the end of her email she wrote, “Health is a precious gift.”

How true is that statement and it is not often that a healthy person realizes that.  My previous coworker is enlightened and gets that health is the most important thing of all.  How come none of my other friends realize that concept?

Yesterday I was speaking with my oldest friend (Ms. E).  We grew up together, were college roommates, our parents were best friends and we have seen each other through many of lives triumphs and tragedies.   I said my oldest friend and not my closest friend as our lives have taken very different paths and we really haven’t been all that close lately.  Since I’ve been ill, my friend hasn’t visited me once (except when we saw each other at 2 funerals).  She lives about 60 miles from me, so I understand that she can’t casually drop by for a few minutes, but it is a little hurtful that in 5 years she hasn’t been able to visit me.  We do talk and text, but sometimes you expect more from some people.

While we were speaking yesterday on the phone, the instant she said hello, I knew something was very wrong with her.  Her voice sounded weird, had no life, no spirit, no personality.  It sounded dead and depressed.  In the 40 years that I have known Ms. E, I never heard her sound like this before.  I asked a few times what was wrong and at first she said nothing is wrong, but before the end of the conversation she told me she is very depressed and is currently taking 3 different medicines, prescribed by her psychiatrist.

Now I was concerned because she sounded out of it and was driving alone on a highway.  She assured me she was alright to drive and that she’s just been very emotional lately and they haven’t figured out the right dosage of her medications yet.

That made me feel  somewhat better, but then my mind starting churning.  While I was very, very sad that my friend was in so much pain, I couldn’t help but wonder what could Ms. E be so depressed about that 3 medications were required?  She has been married for 25 years, has 4 healthy children, her and her husband are physically healthy, she lives in a beautiful house and is wealthy beyond my wildest dreams.

Here I am ill for the past 5 years,  divorced, no children, rent a one bedroom apartment and I’m not depressed.  I don’t get what people expect out of life.  Maybe I’m becoming cynical or hardened but what does it take for someone to realize that when they have their HEALTH, the greatest gift of all, they have everything they need.