Yesterday Jenny of “My Fibrotastic Life” blogged about the 21 Days of Gratitude program she was participating in. This intrigued me, as I too have been searching for my purpose in life since I became ill. I registered for the course and listened to the first day’s message about finding something in life that makes your heart sing. Jenny is lucky, she has found this purpose at a young age. I thought I knew what my purpose was in life, as I was proceeding down that course, but then I was thrown a curveball and I became ill. How do you find meaning in a life, where society (and even worse) friends and family sometimes consider you as an afterthought or don’t consider you at all.
Work defines so many of us and when I was working it defined my too. I held onto my job, way longer than I should have because I couldn’t bear the thought of going on disability and not having a workplace to go to every day. I loved my work and couldn’t imagine a life without it. I had been lucky (once again in society’s terms) to work for a straight 27 years from the time I completed my Masters Degree in Finance. I was a very dedicated, conscientious and motivated employee and my superiors recognized that quickly. Even though I had to work long hours, I didn’t mind it. I loved what I was doing and loved the people I was working with. I thought that made my heart sing, but you know what, while I miss being able to work, I really don’t miss what I was doing.
If I was lucky enough to function at a level where my illness was under control and I was able to rejoin the workforce, I wouldn’t want to go back to my old job. I have found great solace in writing and would want to pursue that in some form. Does that mean, writing now makes my heart sing, yes it does, but is it because of my current circumstance or because it really fills my heart with joy? I guess I will learn the answer to that as my writing and my blog matures.