Writing 101: Write about the 3 most important songs in your life and what do they mean to you?

songs

Music touches everyone’s life in so many different ways and really is such a personal thing.  What means something to someone, doesn’t necessarily resonate with the next person.  I can think of so many songs that bring me back to different places in time over my life like Paradise by the Dashboard Light or Oh What a Night, but these songs aren’t important in an epic way.  They bring a smile to my face when I think back about High School and College days.

Three songs that mean something to me in an important way are:

  • From this Moment by Shania Twain
  • There’s a Hole in the World Tonight by the Eagles
  • I Want to See you Be Brave by Sara Bareilles

From This Moment was my wedding song and I still get chills when I think about dancing with my now Ex Husband for the first time in front of all our friends and family.  The night was a magical night, unfortunately the marriage wasn’t.  I believe that when I met my Ex, my life was truly going to begin and that I did belong right beside him for the rest of my life.  But I guess after looking back, he didn’t feel the same way, as he gave up on the marriage.

There’s a Hole in the World Tonight is a sad and powerful song performed after the attack on the World Trade Center in NYC.  I lived through that day and the horror in the coming days and there was also a hole in the ground and in my heart for a very long time.  This song brings me back in a split second to that day and the weeks that followed.  The smell in the air, the confetti and gray ash flying all over the place and the armed guards standing ready on most street corners.

I Want to See you Be Brave is a song I wrote about earlier on my Blog and I think it is a powerful song about saying what is on your mind and saying what you really feel.  I won’t repeat my blog post but I do wonder why some people can say what’s on their mind and get their point across without being cruel and hurtful, while others just spit out whatever thoughts are in their head, without regards for the other persons feelings.

It seems odd that a collection of sounds and words gets immersed in our brain and becomes associated with such deep memories and emotions.  Certain songs bring us immediately to tears, while others put a smile on our faces.  And as I finish this post, Pharrell Williams “Happy” song is playing in the background and my feet are tapping away!!

 

 

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Writing 101: A Room with a View (or Just a View)

http://www.nyhabitat.com (photo NY-14516D71)

 

I live in New York State, currently in one of the 5 boroughs, less than 10 miles from Manhattan.  Until I became ill and had to move out of Manhattan, I lived in NYC for 20 years, in the same apartment building.

Manhattan was great when you are able to walk around, take public transportation and have enough money to order in meals. But once I became confined to my apartment because of my illness, Manhattan became a horrible place to live.

Parking was a nightmare and none of my friends or family  could come visit me during the day, even on weekends it was difficult. I was a prisoner in my apartment, when I lived in the busiest city in the country, the city that never sleeps.  I sat in my apartment day after day,  looking out my window, seeing the world pass me by, as I tried to figure out what my illness was.

If I had to leave the apartment, I would count the steps required to walk up the block to the bus stop and then would picture in my mind how many steps were required to get to the doctors office that I needed to get to on that particular day.  My social life consisted of doctor visits and occasional phone calls when I had the energy.

My living room became my solace and I can still picture every last inch of it.  It’s etched in my mind and I loved being in that room.  I had lived in my apartment prior to my marriage and then remained there after my divorce.  Once my divorce was finalized, I redecorated the place so that I would have a fresh start.  I love to decorate and to pick out colors.  I don’t look at this process as work, or as a chore, like so many people do.  I was enjoying this process and everything I choice, I loved.

So if I could be transported back to one place, I would love to be able to go back to my old apartment in NYC and be healthy and once again enjoy what Manhattan has to offer.  I would visit the WTC Museum and have lunch at my favorite neighborhood place, which served the best grilled chicken salad, with hearts of palm and roasted artichokes.  Then I would walk cross town and go see the Broadway play Aladdin.

I probably wouldn’t have wanted to live in Manhattan forever, but I would have wanted to leave on my own terms and not be forced to leave because I became ill, went on disability and got fired from a company where I worked for 15 years at a job I absolutely loved.

The “EX” Factor

exhusband

Since I  have a lot of time on my hands and can’t physically do much, most of my activity (when the brain fog isn’t present) is in my head.  I think about the past and about forks in the road where decisions could have been made differently and maybe I wouldn’t be where I am now.

I was married and have been divorced since 2006.  I was on my own for 3 years prior to getting ill and really hadn’t thought about my ex husband much or missed him.  He was a nice enough guy, but lost interest in our marriage and became almost nonexistant.  He was retreating from life and knew he needed help but refused to seek it out.  He also had “mommy” issues, which is where he wound up living after we divorced and to this day is still living with him mother and recently I found out that he is also her full time caretaker as she had a massive stroke.

A while back, I was on the computer and someone was trying to IM me.  To my surprise, it was my ex husband.  The first words he typed were an apology to me, which kind of through me for a loop.  He did owe me an apology for how he was at the end of our marriage, but I had long ago written that off and really had made closure with him and my marriage.  We chatted briefly on IM and he told me about his mother and I really didn’t feel anything but sadness for him and the choices he made in his life.  His mother controlled him throughout our marriage but I didn’t think it would go as far as it did.

When I think of my current situation and wonder if it would have been better if I was sick and had a husband, of course the answer is yes. When I see healthy relationships, like the one my sister has, having a husband to help with the everyday issues and emotional support needed when dealing with a chronic condition is a blessing.  But if I think about having my ex husband in my life right now, it would have been anything but a blessing.  I would have had to take care of him and support him, even in my fragile disabled state.

He had a business when we were married, but most of the money he earned was sent to his mother.  By the end of our time together, he was unemployed and lied on the couch from morning to night.  I went to work early in the morning and returned most nights after 7pm and he’d still be lying on the couch in his pjs.

So when I think about this choice to end my marriage, even though it was hard to go through at the time, it was the right choice as we weren’t right together.  Being with someone and feeling alone, is so much more lonely, than actually being alone.

 

 

 

Merry Christmas and Happy Always

falala

As I sit in pajamas on this Christmas Eve, I think about the past year and reflect upon the progress I’ve made and the mine fields I’ve avoided.  Christmas isn’t my holiday, but I have always enjoyed the festivities associated with it and the passage it marks into the next year.

We all start the New Year with a clean slate, we can make whatever we want of the New Year.  Our choices are somewhat limited when we are ill, but we do still have choices.  Maybe we have to be wiser about how we spend our energy and our money, but those decisions are ours to make.  Maybe we have to find more sympathetic doctors, or find alternative treatments, but thankfully we have some options.

I would like to focus on the improvements I notice in myself, however slight and probably invisible to anyone but me, but I am better off than I was a year ago.  I can walk a little farther,  I can stand a little longer and I can still laugh at the crazy and unpredictable things that happen to me on a day to day basis.

I wish everyone a Very, Very Happy Holiday and a Peaceful and Pain free New Year.