Missing InAction

 

missing

 

I have been Missing InAction for the past week and I haven’t been able to do much.  My mind has been like mush and I haven’t been able to formulate a thought, or rather a logical thought.  These episodes hit us like bricks and we are like zombies walking around in the world yet not participating.  This past episode has been a long one, maybe not as dire as past ones, but longer.  I am finally starting to emerge from this state, but still feel empty and uninspired.

Yesterday I made it to a doctor’s appointment, it was a new doctor and with a new doctor comes all the anxieties of will he believe me,  will he treat me with respect.  kindness and understanding and will he have anything new to offer me.

I am happy to say that I can answer yes to all of the above uncertainties.  The doctor was gentle, gave me a thorough examination and talked to me with respect.  Even though he did seem a bit rushed, I didn’t feel neglected.  We went through a history of my illness and symptoms and he asked a bunch of questions about previous medications and then he offered me a medicine I have not taken before.

He wrote me a prescription for Savella, which is the 3rd approved medication of it’s kind for Fibromyalgia.  I have previously tried Lyrica and Cymbalta, with no improvement in my symptoms.  These medications only made me feel worse with their side effects.  So now the big question is, “Do I try Savella”?

I have been researching the medication and its side effects, some of which scare me.  I am sitting here staring at the prescription and I just don’t know what to do.  At first I was so excited that I was offered something new to try and help me and I was going to rush to the pharmacy, but now I really am unsure.  This doctor spent 15 minutes with me and did he hear that I currently have palpitations due to some minor heart issue, or did he hear that I get dizzy at times.  These are 2 side effects of the drug that I am not sure I want to encounter.

The dilemma I feel right now is faced by many people dealing with illness.  Do I try something that could make me feel worse in the short term, but perhaps a little better in the long term?  Do I try something that I likely will have to be on for the rest of my life, if I feel it helps, only to find out in 5 years that the drug can cause cancer or some other fatal ailment?

These situations and many others that I deal with on a day to day basis escape the healthy individual.  Sometimes I just wish I could shake my healthy friends and make them realize how lucky they are.  If I have to hear one more story about how a friend is upset because she had to miss her nail appointment or that she has 2 parties to attend in one day and just doesn’t know what to do, I THINK I WILL SCREAM.

So for today, I will sit and mull over what to do.  I know once I make the decision, I will be alright with it and that will be that.

 

 

 

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When the Past Calls….

voicemail

We all have ex’s whether they are spouses or dating ex’s and even in this big world, it’s likely that one’s path with cross again with an ex, especially with the explosion of social media and texting, where you can still be in touch but not really speak.  Well my past came knocking several times last week and I think it was because of Valentine’s Day and because most of the men I dated since my divorce are still single and looking.

I dated several people during the 4 years from the time my divorce was final until I became ill.  I was dating someone for 2 years when I was diagnosed and I tried to keep the relationship together for a while but it just was to hard to do.  There were  2 others that made it past the 3 date point but not to the year anniversary.  I am in touch with these 3 men, all with different levels of contact, as they  live very close to me now.  Funny how often they ask me, “So are you well enough to date yet?” as if I would date them if I was.  I realize that I get attention from these men, when they are in between relationships or when their relationships start turning sour.  They think of me as a backup, but I am not their backup.

On Friday, I had 2 offers for Valentine’s Day.  One was last minute as his current dating partner ditched him and the other was a little more thought out, but I don’t commit to plans well in advance, as I don’t know how I will feel on any particular day and I’m tired of dealing with the disappointment from the person when I do have to cancel at the last minute.  People take it personally and don’t see it as me trying to manage my illness.

It’s funny that while I was dating these men, I was always worried that they would meet someone else as I believed they were real “catches”.  I did the online dating thing and met them on a dating site, which makes meeting multiple people at the same time very easy.  Nowadays I realize that they weren’t such catches as they all are still not in serious monogamous relationships and I know so much more about them than I did when I was dating them.

These men  have shown me in different ways that they couldn’t have dealt with a partner becoming ill as they all are too immature.  One of them stated that he won’t date any runners as she could have bad knees down the line.   Another won’t date anyone with children that aren’t away at college because he will get too little attention.  Do these me sound grown up to you?

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have dated them  if I knew then what I know now about them.  Their mental states are not what I initially thought and even one of them I’ve come to find out has had several breakdowns.  Another one I think has anger issues and the third should be on lithium as I believe he has bipolar tendencies.  How come I didn’t realize these things while I was in the midst of a relationship with them?  Is it that I was seeing them with “rose colored” glasses or that I really didn’t know them well enough to see who they truly are.  I had thought that you knew a partner well enough when you were with them for 3 months, but maybe that’s when we were younger.  Dating in your 50s is more complicated than dating in your 20s or 30s.  We all have so much more stuff that we carry around and so many more experiences that shape us and made us who we currently are.

So while at times I do wonder “what if” with these men, I know there will never be a future with any of them, even when I do feel well enough to reenter the dating scene.  While I do enjoy an occasional phone call or an occasional lunch date, the possibility of a romantic hookup is non existent.