Peaceful, Easy Feeling

serene

I, like many other people who suffer with chronic conditions, go through decent periods, tough periods and horrendous periods and I have just been through a tough one (won’t say horrendous, cause it always can be worse). My pain has been intense, my fatigue has been high and the weather is not warming up.   This winter is just not leaving and even though it’s spring on the calendar, the weather in the northeast USA is cold.  I have been holed up inside for months and while I did get a lot of rest, I really haven’t had much social interaction.  I spoke on the phone and texted and emailed people, but haven’t really seen many people in person for months.

Yet throughout all this isolation, I still find that I am at peace.  I am at peace with myself, even though everything around me is in disarray.  My future, my living situation, my job outlook and my health outlook are all up in the air.  Nothing is stable and probably won’t be for a long time, yet I AM STABLE.  I am even keeled, positive and at peace.

Even before I got sick, I was alright when I was by myself.  Some of my friends couldn’t stand the silence and the emptiness of being alone in their apartment.  One of my friends would never sleep in her bed if her boyfriend wasn’t home or if she was between boyfriends.  She would always be busy making places and double booking, just in case someone backed out because she dreaded being alone.  I always thought she didn’t like herself.  This was a friend I grew up with and so I knew her for a long time.  But 6 years ago I made another friend, who also hates being alone.  At 50, you’d think she’d be used to it but I guess some people never will get used to it or be comfortable being by themselves or with there own thoughts.

Someone who isn’t comfortable with  who they are, can’t be alone for long periods of time (at least that’s my observation).  I like myself and I like the person I am.  So while I may enjoy being around other people, I know I will be fine when I’m alone too.

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