Anger

holdingontoanger

 

Today it was pointed out to me by someone who’s opinion I trust and respect, that I very rarely get angry.   This wasn’t the first time this was pointed out to me and I wanted to explore this further.   I said anger is an emotion I am not comfortable with.  I hate the emotion when it is displayed in others and especially when it’s directed at me.  I try very hard to live and act a certain way, so as not to hurt or anger anyone.  My intent is always pure and I expect others to act the same way.

But is it healthy not to get angry?  Can’t I be pure and good and nice and still display anger.  Am I harming myself  by not getting angry when it is warranted?  Shouldn’t I be angry that I am chronically ill and have no idea when (or if) I will ever return to health?  Shouldn’t I be angry that I had to stop working and go on disability?  Shouldn’t I be angry that I had to sell my co-op that I owned for 20 years and move to a neighborhood near my mom and sister, so that I had a support system near by.  Shouldn’t I be angry that I have been removed from society for 5 years and not able to move on with my live?

When I read this, I’m thinking of course I should be angry, but I’m not.  Or is this anger so suppressed  and buried deep within me, that it is keeping me ill and I don’t even know it.  It would be a lie to say that my life and my health haven’t changed for the worse, but I think I am making the best of a difficult situation and I just don’t see how being angry that this happened to me is of any use.

I grieved for the loss of my pre-illness life, as I would a loved one.  In fact, I was going through this period of mourning my old life, when my dad past, so I grieved for them both at the same time.  Just as I deeply miss my dad, I deeply miss the life I had, but as time moves on and you become more removed from the past, the new normal is your reality.  While I remember and have flashbacks of my dad when I see a mailman on the street (as that was his occupation), or when I have to parallel park (as he taught me how to expertly do that), I also have flashbacks and pangs of sadness when I think back to my working and dating days.  But not anger, never anger or rage.

I’m starting to wonder if this is normal.  I never really thought about it before like this.  What good is constantly reliving the past in our minds, it only holds us back from moving forward.  I have so many physical constraints, I don’t want to think that my mind is causing me to prolong my illness and recovery.

I strongly believe that a very important component of me getting well and feeling better is adapting to my new reality.  Even though my life is difficult, very difficult at times, I still have an inner peace that sustains me and helps me go on each day.   There are days when I feel useless and not productive, but I never feel like my life is without value or worth.

My particular chronic illness is an extremely physically draining one, but I would be foolish to think that it isn’t emotionally draining too.  The more I adapt to my current surroundings and my new limits, the happier I feel I will be.  I am very thankful, that before I became ill, I was a very resilient, easy going individual and this resilience has served me well.  I also am thankful that I have a social support system that is available to me when I speak up and ask for help.

So as suggested to me, for the next 30 days, I am going to keep a diary of situations that occur and my response to them and see if anger is warranted in any of the situations when I review the day in my diary.  I am hoping I don’t have too many entries!

 

Where have I been hiding??

hiding

 

I haven’t posted in a while, but have been lurking in the backgrounds reading post of the bloggers I follow, but I’ve been feeling very uninspired.  I also  haven’t been participating in any of my on line support groups and I have been wondering why I have shifted my focus away from these communities.  Instead, I have been reaching out to certain individuals from my past that I miss and that I really want to reconnect with.

For the past 5 years, I haven’t cared or thought much about these individuals.  They really, in my opinion, abandoned me when I became ill and when my illness became a problem for them.  So why now am I reaching out.  I’m not sure.  Is it because I am trying to reconstruct my old life (which I know I can’t do), is it because I need to let them know how they have hurt me in order to move forward or is it because I miss human interaction with people.  Not just any people, but people that I have fond memories of.

I’ve heard a million times that time heals all wounds and maybe the hurts I felt are diminishing and I am ready to see these people again and discuss how their actions have hurt me.  I am trying to arrange to see one person in particular within the next week or so and this will be a big meeting for me.  I wonder how I will act and if when I see this person, will all the hurt I’ve been carrying around with me  just dissipate or will I have the need to rehash why I felt hurt and slighted by him.  These are my truths that I’ve been carrying around, what will his truths be?

I hope I have the opportunity to find out!

 

International Awareness Day

may12

 

I have felt and have been invisible lately and my invisible illness has really prevented me from participating in life and writing on my blog.  Today is ME/FM/MCS Awareness Day and I felt it was important that I write something on this topic.  Unless people become aware of our illness and our suffering we all will remain invisible.  My pain is invisible to others, but very real to me.  To others it may appear that I am healthy, as I do not use a cane, walker or wheelchair, but I am not healthy.  I am limited to 4oo steps at a time and then I need to rest.

So while I may seem fine to the outside world, I suffer in silence and unless our suffering is made known, we will always suffer in silence and in the comfort of our own home with our close loved ones.

They are helpless too, as there is very little that anyone can do for us.  They can drop us off in front of our destination, to save us the extra 25 steps, or they can pick up some grocery items for us to save us from using our precious energy commodity up on daily tasks, but they can’t cure us.

Understanding and compassion from loved ones is very important, but understanding and compassion from the Medical Community is what we need and unless that community is continually made aware of what we deal with on a day to day basis, nothing will change.

So as I once again sit by my window on this beautiful spring day, while the rest of the world is going about their everyday life. I hope that a year from now some headway will be made and I will be able to be on the other side of my window.

I have to keep remembering that there is Life Beyond my Window and I will be able to participate in it again!!

Happy Holidays!!

holiday

 

This past week was a holy week for both the Christians and Jewish people.  While both holidays are connected, as the Last Supper is said to have taken place at Passover, the holidays are fundamentally different.

Someone once explained to me their belief is that  Easter seems to be a celebration through suffering whereas Passover is a celebration despite suffering.

Suffering is something people with chronic conditions know a lot about.  So while we all are celebrating the holidays this week, let’s hope that as our ancestors before us triumphed over suffering, we too will be able to move forward despite our limitations.

Happy holidays to all!!

 

Happy Thanksgivukkah

thanksgivukkah

For the first time since 1888, Thanksgiving and Hanukkah  will occur on the same date.  Hanukkah starts on the same day every year on the Hebrew calendar, but since the months of Hebrew calendar only have 29 or 30 days, the Jewish year has about 11 days less than the 365 day Gregorian calendar.  To try and sync things up, an extra “leap month” is added 7 times, every 19 years.

Some believe this won’t happen again for another 100 years. others believe the 2 will converge again in 79,000 years and  others believe the two holidays will never occur together again.

Either way, this won’t happen again in my lifetime, so tomorrow is a double joyous event for my family and myself.  Although, when you’re suffering with a chronic illness, no holiday is particularly joyous.  Holidays, since I’ve been ill, are extremely stressful, worrisome and tiring.  I am trying to put a positive light on getting together tomorrow with friends and family, but I am having a particularly bad day, as I didn’t sleep much last night and I am worried that I won’t be up to celebrating tomorrow.

I have carefully planned out this week, so that I’ve had no doctors appointments.  I rested all day Monday, went out yesterday for an hour to do a few errands and am in all day today and again on Friday, yet I am not sure  I will be up to participating in the holiday.

For healthy people, the holiday is a one day event, for us chronic sufferers, it’s a week of careful planning and resting.  Nobody gets what we have to go through to be able to enjoy a few hours of celebrating.

Before I was ill, holidays were always enjoyable.  I have a small family and we all get along very well, so it was never uncomfortable duing a holiday.  I never dreaded being with family as so many people do because of personality problems.

Now holidays are really just an inconvenience for me and it is so hard to enjoy them, but I am going to really try.  I have done everything I possible can to help myself:  spaced in rest days;  have all medications on hand so I don’t need to run to the pharmacy;  have a food delivery coming to my house so I don’t have to go to supermarket; have communicated with my family my limits and that I may need to leave the table to rest; have made sure there are healthy choices at the dinner table.

The rest is up to the Universe.

I am beginning to realize that even when you are in a situation that makes you unhappy, it is easy to think that you have nothing to be thankful for.  But sometimes, it’s the exact time to practice an “attitude of gratitude”.  Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on all we have to be thankful for, but we have to think like that every single day of the year.

May you all get to enjoy a Happy and Relatively Pain Free Holiday!!

 

Writers Block, more likely Fibro Flare

questionmarks

My Fibro is in a big flare and I have really been unable to function much these last few days.  My brain fog is off the charts and the pain is high too, but my spirits haven’t been to bad and I’m attributing that to the promise I made to myself to practice “Gratitude”.

Every night, as I lay down and try to go to sleep, instead of counting sheep, I list the things I am grateful for.  Why not make a list of things that can make you happy as you try to drift into dreamland?  I have been falling asleep better and it also takes my mind off the things that are bothering me.

So, as I ride out this lastest flare, I am doing so with a peacefulness and calmness, that I haven’t experienced in a while.  Maybe there is something to be said for GRATITUDE after all.

The Synergy Trial

synergytrial

This week I had to go for my checkup with my main doctor that follows me since I’ve been on disability.  During our consultation, she mentioned about this trial that is recruiting CFS patients.  This study is called “The Synergy Trial”.

http://thesynergytrial.org/

The trial is being conducted in 4 US cities and will involve 120 participants, over a 12 week period.  The Trial will evaluate the safety and efficacy of a currently available medication (Ritalin) combined with a CFS-specific dietary supplement.

I am located in one of the cities, the trial is being run, but unfortunately I am not eligible to participate because I have some heart issues and that excludes me from the study.

If anyone is interested, please look at the study and perhaps you will be eligible to participate.

Good luck if you do!