When the Past Calls….

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We all have ex’s whether they are spouses or dating ex’s and even in this big world, it’s likely that one’s path with cross again with an ex, especially with the explosion of social media and texting, where you can still be in touch but not really speak.  Well my past came knocking several times last week and I think it was because of Valentine’s Day and because most of the men I dated since my divorce are still single and looking.

I dated several people during the 4 years from the time my divorce was final until I became ill.  I was dating someone for 2 years when I was diagnosed and I tried to keep the relationship together for a while but it just was to hard to do.  There were  2 others that made it past the 3 date point but not to the year anniversary.  I am in touch with these 3 men, all with different levels of contact, as they  live very close to me now.  Funny how often they ask me, “So are you well enough to date yet?” as if I would date them if I was.  I realize that I get attention from these men, when they are in between relationships or when their relationships start turning sour.  They think of me as a backup, but I am not their backup.

On Friday, I had 2 offers for Valentine’s Day.  One was last minute as his current dating partner ditched him and the other was a little more thought out, but I don’t commit to plans well in advance, as I don’t know how I will feel on any particular day and I’m tired of dealing with the disappointment from the person when I do have to cancel at the last minute.  People take it personally and don’t see it as me trying to manage my illness.

It’s funny that while I was dating these men, I was always worried that they would meet someone else as I believed they were real “catches”.  I did the online dating thing and met them on a dating site, which makes meeting multiple people at the same time very easy.  Nowadays I realize that they weren’t such catches as they all are still not in serious monogamous relationships and I know so much more about them than I did when I was dating them.

These men  have shown me in different ways that they couldn’t have dealt with a partner becoming ill as they all are too immature.  One of them stated that he won’t date any runners as she could have bad knees down the line.   Another won’t date anyone with children that aren’t away at college because he will get too little attention.  Do these me sound grown up to you?

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have dated them  if I knew then what I know now about them.  Their mental states are not what I initially thought and even one of them I’ve come to find out has had several breakdowns.  Another one I think has anger issues and the third should be on lithium as I believe he has bipolar tendencies.  How come I didn’t realize these things while I was in the midst of a relationship with them?  Is it that I was seeing them with “rose colored” glasses or that I really didn’t know them well enough to see who they truly are.  I had thought that you knew a partner well enough when you were with them for 3 months, but maybe that’s when we were younger.  Dating in your 50s is more complicated than dating in your 20s or 30s.  We all have so much more stuff that we carry around and so many more experiences that shape us and made us who we currently are.

So while at times I do wonder “what if” with these men, I know there will never be a future with any of them, even when I do feel well enough to reenter the dating scene.  While I do enjoy an occasional phone call or an occasional lunch date, the possibility of a romantic hookup is non existent.

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Love (in) your Life

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Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and all the world is thinking about Romantic Love, well almost all the world.  While I am a loving person and have felt loved by family, friends and that special someone, this year Romantic Love is the farthest thing from my mind.  I wish I didn’t feel this way and I wish I physically felt well enough and strong enough to be in a relationship, but I don’t and I’m not going to let Valentine’s Day depress me or make me feel bad about myself.

There are so many society rules that make people feel bad and it’s a shame because celebrating should make us feel better about ourselves.  Yesterday I read a post from Celeste of Baking, Butter and Happiness and it really struck a cord with me about how we should love ourselves no matter what every one else thinks.  I have struggled with my weight most of my life, until about 10 years ago.  Obesity runs in my family and most of my female cousins struggle with it.  I am not talking about the extra 10 or 20 lbs, I’m talking about at least an extra 50 lbs.  I didn’t want my life to spiral out of control and finally made up my mind to loose weight.

I did succeed and felt better about myself, but I wish I could have felt just as good about myself before I lost the weight.  Nowadays, since I am unable to move much, I am afraid some of the weight is creeping back on and I hope I do not get down on myself for that.  Attitude is what makes us feel good about ourselves and we struggle every day with trying to feel good because of this illness, that the last thing we need to beat ourselves up about is putting on 5 or 10 lbs.

So tomorrow, I will not be thinking about that special someone, I will be thinking about me.  I am special and need to remember to treat myself well and to love myself.  If Romantic Love is in the cards sometime in the future and I am strong enough and receptive to it, I will welcome it into my life.  But I am comfortable with myself and know that I can go on without that special someone and knowing that is special too.