Where have I been hiding??

hiding

 

I haven’t posted in a while, but have been lurking in the backgrounds reading post of the bloggers I follow, but I’ve been feeling very uninspired.  I also  haven’t been participating in any of my on line support groups and I have been wondering why I have shifted my focus away from these communities.  Instead, I have been reaching out to certain individuals from my past that I miss and that I really want to reconnect with.

For the past 5 years, I haven’t cared or thought much about these individuals.  They really, in my opinion, abandoned me when I became ill and when my illness became a problem for them.  So why now am I reaching out.  I’m not sure.  Is it because I am trying to reconstruct my old life (which I know I can’t do), is it because I need to let them know how they have hurt me in order to move forward or is it because I miss human interaction with people.  Not just any people, but people that I have fond memories of.

I’ve heard a million times that time heals all wounds and maybe the hurts I felt are diminishing and I am ready to see these people again and discuss how their actions have hurt me.  I am trying to arrange to see one person in particular within the next week or so and this will be a big meeting for me.  I wonder how I will act and if when I see this person, will all the hurt I’ve been carrying around with me  just dissipate or will I have the need to rehash why I felt hurt and slighted by him.  These are my truths that I’ve been carrying around, what will his truths be?

I hope I have the opportunity to find out!

 

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Water, water everywhere!

oakbeach

 

This is where I was yesterday afternoon…Oak Beach, NY.  While this water is definitely not the prettiest or the bluest, to me it was a lifesaver.  I sent out an SOS yesterday to a friend and needed to get out of my apartment and change my scenery.

Since a week ago, I have been down and just out of sorts.  It all started when I met a friend of mine for lunch at the coffee shop on the corner.  The routine usually is my friend will pick me up in front of my apt, drop me at the front of the restaurant and then go find a parking spot.  The same routine is usually done in reverse on the way home, but this time I wanted to try something new.  I wanted to see if I’ve made any progress with my physical stamina and when it was time to go home, after a very nice lunch, I said I’m going to walk home.

Now to anyone else but me, this would seem like a normal sentence, but to me this was monumental.  The restaurant is on my corner, my building is in the middle of the block, piece of cake you say!  NOT.

I walked very, very slowly, even cut some steps out by walking in the middle of the street, but by the time I got to my apartment, my body was shaking, my legs felt like jelly and they couldn’t support my body weight.  To bed I went and in bed I stayed for the rest of the day.

Now was this worth, definitely not in hindsight, but I was hoping for a much different body response and the one I got really put me in a downward spiral.  How could I not have progressed any since last spring?  Will it be 10 more years before I am physically able to walk to my corner?  What goes on in my body that causes this and why can’t any medical doctor figure this out?

So since this incident, I just have been completely out of sorts and just uninspired to try to do anything because I was afraid of getting the same response.  But the weather has been so beautiful these last few days and yesterday I just couldn’t take it any more and needed to be by water.  So I was lucky that my friend was available and was able to spend the afternoon with me, surrounded by nature and peace and quiet.

It did me a world of good and I came back home in a much better mental state.  Although I am tired today, because I was out for many more hours than I usually venture out, the physical tiredness is worth it today because I feel good mentally and I know my spirit and determination are back.

Today, I wish I was able to do more than gaze out my window and view the life outside, but I am content again and at peace with myself and that’s all that matters to me this afternoon.

The Happiness of your Life

thehappinessofyourlife

I have been listening and watching  self help, gratitude and positive affirmation videos and I really must admit what a positive and refreshing experience it is to hear uplifting thoughts about yourself and the universe.

The real trick is to keep replaying these thoughts in your head and start to belief them.  It’s hard when real life interferes with your perception of how you should be living, but based on what I’m learning if we change the texture of our thoughts, our life will change.

It is hard to change thought patterns when you are in your mid 50s (can’t believe I am in my 50s, but I am).  You have grown up believing certain things and have been doing things in a certain way for so long, that it is hard to change.  But if change means improving your life and being happier with your life, than that is worth trying.

I am going to follow these beliefs and see where my life takes me:

  • All is well in my world and I trust the Universe to take me where I need to go
  • What is right for me will come to me at the appropriate time
  • I am loving and I am loved
  • I am willing to grow and change and I am always open and receptive to new ideas
  • I know I can become more than what I am now, not Better but MORE

Life is as it is.  It’s all about our perception of our current situation and our level of gratitude.  I am grateful for so much in my life and will not dwell on what I can not change.

Reiki and More

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Something very unusual  happened to me about a week ago and it has unsettled me but not in a bad way.  I have been very introspective this week and have been trying to remember all the details of my reiki session because this was no average, run of the mill, afternoon.

The session started off as other sessions have, but when it ended, something unique and special had occurred.  Now I know there are going to be many people who don’t believe what happened to me, and probably a year ago, I’d be one of those people.  But I am a believer now.

Two years ago, my dad passed away and this  week was the anniversary of his passing.  We visited him at the cemetery and paid our respects to a very loving and gentle soul.  My dad has been on my mind a lot these past days and so, my thoughts shifted to him during the session.  I was repeating to myself all the things I missed about him and all the things that were great about him and then I asked him to make himself known and assure me that he was alright and that he knew I was taking care of my mom.  I specifically said, “I know Ms. N is not a medium, but she does have additional Intuit powers, so please use her to let me know you are watching over me.”  I said this over and over again.

I also was having problems catching my breath during the treatment and was getting a little concerned and was even thinking of stopping the session, but I didn’t.  The relaxing music was playing softly in the background and then a weird word or sound was coming out of the speaker and then a lot of static and the speaker blew.  I also had a very cold sensation run through my body, which lasted for quite a while, well beyond the end of the session.

My eyes were closed during this whole time, and Ms. N walked over to the speaker and disconnected it and came back and continued the treatment.  I was jarred slightly, but then tried to get back into my trance and repeated the thoughts of my dad.

When the treatment was finished, Ms. N let me lay quiet for a few minutes and then I sat up and looked at her and said, “What happened her today.”  She looked at me and said “BIZARRE”.  This treatment was very unusual.

I hadn’t put the events together that had transpired during the 90 minute session, but when Ms. N started speaking with me, it all became clear.  Ms. N told me she’s not a medium, but does have some additional abilities and that she saw a white light surround me and swirl into gray.  She said that has happened to her only a handful of times since she’s been a Reiki Healer and the white into gray symbolizes to her that someone from the other side is making contact.  Ms. N still had no idea what I had been asking for during the treatment.

She continued her story and then told me she asked that the spirit make himself known and at that precise moment, the strange word and static occurred.  The strange word turned out to be “Abba”, which means “Father”.  Ms. N told me my father made himself present in the room today and wanted to let me know he was doing fine and that these were just confirmations of my father finding a way to reveal himself in spirit to me and to bring me comfort and peace.

At this point I told Ms. N what I had been asking for and we both got goosebumps and I began to cry.   Ms. N said  “What a good man he is to allow you to know  all is well”.

Each person comes to a Reiki session with an intention in mind. For  some it is just to relax, for some it’s to heal and for others it’s a clarity of emotions.  My last treatment was definitely for an emotional release.  If something so powerful like this could happen with just my thoughts asking for it, then really anything is possible.  Next time, I will solely be concentrating on healing and wellness.  That should be a breeze compared to contacting a spirit from the other side.

The quote “Change the texture of your thoughts and your life will change” definitely takes on a stronger meaning for me now.  I wish you all GOOD THOUGHTS!!

Writers Block, more likely Fibro Flare

questionmarks

My Fibro is in a big flare and I have really been unable to function much these last few days.  My brain fog is off the charts and the pain is high too, but my spirits haven’t been to bad and I’m attributing that to the promise I made to myself to practice “Gratitude”.

Every night, as I lay down and try to go to sleep, instead of counting sheep, I list the things I am grateful for.  Why not make a list of things that can make you happy as you try to drift into dreamland?  I have been falling asleep better and it also takes my mind off the things that are bothering me.

So, as I ride out this lastest flare, I am doing so with a peacefulness and calmness, that I haven’t experienced in a while.  Maybe there is something to be said for GRATITUDE after all.

Letting Go, to Move Forward

tastefreedom

Just like many other bloggers have posted during this past week, I too have been participating in the 21 Days of Gratitude program from the Mentors Channel.

Yesterday they spoke about setting goals and then just letting go and trusting the Universe.  I really want to try and practice this act of gratitude and try to set attainable goals and just trust that they will occur.

How come so many healthy individuals don’t realize how grateful they should be?  Why is it that when we become ill,  we start counting our blessings?  Shouldn’t it be the other way around?  We have lost so much since we became ill, yet we are expected to be grateful for what we STILL have, while people that are healthy, working, generating income and putting money away for retirement don’t get that they have it all.

It got me wondering if the “healthy” segment of our population, is more unhappy than the ones dealing with a chronic and debilitaing illness.

We see studies all the time telling us how depressed and unhappy people are, when seemingly they have it all.  Why is this?  Why are the most prescribed pills nowadays anti depressants and anti anxiety pills?  Why do people want to numb themselves to make it through life when really they just don’t understand how much they have?  What will make them happy, I definitely don’t have the answers to these questions.

All I can think about is what will make me happy.  Well, we all know what the number one thing would be on my list:  TO FEEL GOOD and be RESTORED to HEALTH.  People have trouble trusting each other, so taking a leap of faith and trusting the Universe is a big challenge.

How do I start to surrender to the great unknown?  As a first step, I will start thinking about abundance and not deficit.  I will think about what I want to attract into my life and not think about what I don’t want in my life.

I will start repeating to myself, everything is going to work out in the end, which involves a huge amount of trust and surending of control.  It’s just as easy to believe that things will work out on a positive note, than on a negative one.  There’s no reason to think otherwise.  I have to believe there’s a higher purpose behind the difficult and seemingly endless period I am currently going through.

Letting go will be extremely difficult for me, as I have the overwhelming need to control so much in my current life.  I think this is the way to make me feel as well as possible, in any given situation, but maybe it’s not.  I do realize that “controling the outcome of each situation in my daily life” does cause me a lot of anxiety and turmoil.

As a promise to myself, I will start having faith in the power of the Universe.  Why should I doubt the Universe more than a stranger I happen to meet.  When I meet someone new in my life, I give them the benefit of the doubt and trust that they are true and good, unless they prove me wrong.  I will give the mighty Universe that same benefit of the doubt.

To quote a line from a movie I recently viewed and enjoyed, “Everything will be alright in the end.  And if it’s not alright, then it’s not yet the end.”

Gratitude

gratitude3

Yesterday Jenny of “My Fibrotastic Life” blogged about the 21 Days of Gratitude program she was participating in.  This intrigued me, as I too have been searching for my purpose in life since I became ill.  I registered for the course and listened to the first day’s message about finding something in life that makes your heart sing.  Jenny is lucky, she has found this purpose at a young age.  I thought I knew what my purpose was in life, as I was proceeding down that course, but then I was thrown a curveball and I became ill.  How do you find meaning in a life, where society (and even worse) friends and family sometimes consider you as an afterthought or don’t consider you at all.

Work defines so many of us and when I was working it defined my too.  I held onto my job, way longer than I should have because I couldn’t bear the thought of going on disability and not having a workplace to go to every day.  I loved my work and couldn’t imagine a life without it.  I had been lucky (once again in society’s terms) to work for a straight 27 years from the time I completed my Masters Degree in Finance.  I was a very dedicated,  conscientious and motivated employee and my superiors recognized that quickly.  Even though I had to work long hours, I didn’t mind it.  I loved what I was doing and loved the people I was working with.  I thought that made my heart sing, but you know what, while I miss being able to work, I really don’t miss what I was doing.

If I was lucky enough to function at a level where my illness was under control and I was able to rejoin the workforce, I wouldn’t want to go back to my old job.  I have found great solace in writing and would want to pursue that in some form.  Does that mean, writing now makes my heart sing, yes it does, but is it because of my current circumstance or because it really fills my heart with joy?  I guess I will learn the answer to that as my writing and my blog matures.